Where is my mind?

Is being dead that much worse than being nothing?

I crumbled into pieces knowing that I still am kept in your thoughts. I can’t move on. I can’t even move an inch. I don’t remember how it feels to feel anymore. I can’t feel.

Tell me how to reach you? Give me strength to face you, to face everyone else. I’d give up everything and anything just to retrace.

Since the day you walked out on me, to be with him. Since the drunken stupor that saw him as the better and bigger being. I live my days by the hours, I laugh and laugh till I can forget about the hollow being I actually am. I am in so much pain, so much so that I can’t even feel it. 

But I am happy now, knowing my prayers to keep you safe & happy are answered.

I’m peachy, I really am.

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

Not ready to let go
Cause then I’d never know
What I could be missing
But I’m missing way too much
So when do I give up what I’ve been wishing for.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m gonna to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that’s done’s forgiven

You’ll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that’s done’s forgiven

All that I’m after is a life full of laughter
As long as I’m laughing with you
I’m thinking that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we’ve been through

Cause I know there’s no life after you

Please just remember even if I’m not there

I’ll always love you, forever and always

I hate how we’re no longer together anymore and I know why.

I hate how you stopped talking to me when all I wanted was to be close to you again. No one has impacted my life quite like you have. You made me laugh and smile. You listened and tried to help.

Thank you. I loved how you never failed to tell me you loved me or missed me. How you told me that you didn’t want to lose me. I miss the way you were so open to me about everything. How you never seemed to be hurt or upset even if you were quietly dying inside.

I still remember the day it all changed. I remember  how I cried for you. I remember wishing I could’ve said something to you to make you feel better. I’ll never forgive myself for that, even though you’re okay now.

I wish we could talk again. I wish I could tell you how much my life has changed. I wish you could still be here for me like you said you would. I just wish we could be friends.

I just wished you knew that I miss you so much. That I am sorry for the things I’ve said and done. I was never sane & sober enough when it comes to you.

Fap Sweetheart, I love you. I hope you know that.
 

15mths of misery